Open Letter to the Hollywood Girly Man
By FRANKLIN PIERCE
During this difficult economy when the Real Man is out busting his ass trying to keep food on the table for his family, you've treated us to a very public display of an entirely different kind of man: the Hollywood girly man.
Hardly a day goes by where we don't witness one of you bemoaning the difficulties of life in your shoes. You whine about how tough it is to be you. You whimper about the complexities of your life. You moan about how hard it is to have your job. You are in therapy trying to deal with the horrific realities of living in a mansion in Southern California. Well I've got news for you pal - almost everyone's job is tough and almost everyone's life is tough. That's life. Get over it. Quit acting like such a self-indulgent pansy and man-up.
Men who are making a pauper's wage are getting up before dawn everyday, taking crap from difficult bosses, and doing strenuous or tedious work, all in an effort to try and get by, or perhaps improve the lives of their families. Forgive us if you think you have it tough because you might have to settle for $5 million on your next project, or some fan has the audacity to ask for your autograph, or some dad asks you to take a picture with his son, or you can't get your table at Spagos, or the paparazzi are staked out at your resort in the Cayman Islands.
I also have to chuckle every time I hear one of you mentally unstable twits pontificate about how you had to live in another state or country in order to keep your sanity. Sanity from what? Because people are kissing your ass all of the time, because you are filthy rich, because people or critics are dissing your 'art'? Give me a freaking break. So you tell yourself that you need to fly planes, or drive race cars, or paint, or heaven forbid, direct, in order to prove that your life has some meaning or purpose, and that you aren't just a piece of meat. Or my personal favorite - you move to another country where they are much more 'sophisticated' and leave you alone in your narcissism. By 'sophisticated' I suppose you mean they eat snails, and suck-up to terrorists who burn down their neighborhoods. Do you have any concept of how utterly ridiculous you sound?
Good God man, get a grip! You pantywaisted retard. (forgive my politically incorrectness - I meant to say you effeminate, intellectually challenged putz). You're a millionaire many times over; you own mansions overlooking the ocean; you dine in the finest restaurants; you fly on private luxury jets; you drive exotic cars; you bed the most beautiful women - but your lives are so difficult that you have to escape them by obsessing about some hobby or moving to another country? Unfreakingbelievable!
And please enough already with your politics. You're pitiable. You read a little bit about some political issue, then you sit around and talk to all of your buddies who think exactly the same way, and who have the same rudimentary simpleton knowledge of the issue. Then you have the audacity to think you are politically astute, because your ignorant buddies or butt-kissing-hangers-on tell you how brilliant you are. The truth is, whenever you open your mouth about any political issue, you come across as a complete buffoon. If someone from an opposing point of view challenges you with something more than a kiss-ass question, you have no intelligent response. Instead you mimic the chants and the IQ of a mob on the street chanting through megaphones - e.g. "Bush lied, people died", or something equally dim-witted, tiresome, and unenlightening.
Even more pathetic is how you hide behind your cowardice by publicly chastising your country for having the testicular fortitude to fight against terrorists who've killed over 3000 of your fellow countrymen and women. The truth is, you are a girly man. You don't have the guts to fight for your country. If your honor was questioned, or a man offended your woman (for those of you who actually like women), you'd deal with the offender by spitting, biting, pulling hair, or bitch-slapping rather than an honorable display of a manly, mixed martial arts, ass whooping.
If you still have any doubt whatsoever that I'm questioning your manhood, allow me to put that doubt to rest - I am questioning your manhood. Let me give you an example of how a Real Man from Hollywood once dealt with the politics of war. Jimmy Stewart was a star in Hollywood in the 1940's. When war broke out, do you think he retreated to the confines of his mansion, sipping martinis on the veranda, and counting his money? Do you think he traveled to another country and gave speeches criticizing and belittling his own country? Not 'no', but 'hell no'!
Jimmy Stewart joined the Army Air corp. He worked his way up to Colonel. He actually flew missions as a bomber pilot against the Germans. The guy laid his life on the line. Or how about Clark Gable. At the age of 41, after the bombing of Pearl Harbor, Gable enlisted in the army. He worked his way up to major. He also flew air raids against the Germans. There were many other actors who also served during World War II and put their lives on the line for their country.
Compare those Real Men of Hollywood with you Hollywood girly men of today. Can you imagine any of you doing anything remotely as brave? Of course not - you're cowards who conveniently find that you're opposed to any conflict that might require you to fight for your country, defend your country, or otherwise behave with courage.
The problem is that you've surrounded yourself with butt-kissers and fellow self-absorbed sociopaths, enabling your mental instabilities, so that you actually believe that your life is crap. Or you believe that as an 'artist' you need to be miserable in order to be 'creative'.
I hesitate to offer up a problem without also offering a solution, so here you go. I'm going to help put you out of your misery and help turn you into a Real Man rather than the sniveling, pathetic, Hollywood girly man you've become. I'm going to do this not only because I've got a heart as big as all outdoors, but also because you are a freaking mess and I can't bear to watch a grown male act like such a limp-wristed, beauty queen - in short, you give men a bad name.
First, give away all of your money to an honorable charity such as one who supports veterans who've become disabled in their pursuit of protecting your freedoms to be a effeminate dullard and whine about your job and your country. By your own admission, your wealth is only making you miserable.
Second, move away from Hollywood. Again, by your own admission, it's eating away at your soul. Move to a small town in the Midwest. Get a job on a milk farm and work as a laborer for an honest wage. Start a family and support your wife and kids with your wages. Don't worry, at night after the wife and kids are asleep, you can still prance around in make-up and women's underwear.
Finally, act like a man. I know it's going to be hard - since you're actors, it should be easy, but the truth is this will be the most difficult role you ever take on. Develop some confidence based not on people praying to you as a god based on your onscreen persona, but based on you behaving like a grown man. Man-up. Quit whining and complaining. Help your family and neighbors. Stay out of politics. Spend time with your son camping, hunting, fishing, and playing ball.
I fully expect you girly men to lash out at my criticism. By 'lash out', I mean take some limp-wristed, sissy-like slaps, rather than indulge in some overdue introspective and consider that your self-conscious, sociopathic, mental instabilities are self-induced and easily corrected. Your pathetic responses will only help make my point. So I encourage you to sashay into the ring and take your best girly man shot.
If my grandfather were still alive, after listening to you whine for a few minutes about how rough you have it, he'd smack you upside the head, take you out behind the woodshed, and whip your ass. Then he'd put a shovel in your hand and tell you to get back to work if you want dinner. Consider this the first smack upside your head. Later on I'll take you out behind the shed and whip your ass.
©2009 Real Man Magazine